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Family Stepmom Advice

Be Kind Please Rewind

I had two little boys that liked to run and jump over things and then pretend to shoot at each other. I used to try and hover over them and make sure they wouldn’t get hurt and it always ended in me screaming “I have to return you to your mother in the condition I found you in!”. Do yall have any idea how terrifying it is to have two little lives in your hands that DON’T belong to you and the co-owner don’t particularly like you at the time? That’s stressful! Praise God it’s not that way now.

At the time I met my husband, the boys were 3 and 5 and I was 26, single and fabulous (if I do say so myself). We were all babies, and I’d venture to say that all three of us had zero interest in forming a lifelong bond.

The boys really enjoyed having their dad all to themselves and, for me, growing up with stepparents from the time I can remember, left me with no desire to put myself in that position. I knew what I had put them through and (thought) I had an idea of what a struggle it was to love and care for a child that isn’t your own. No thanks. There was also the thought, deep down, that I had no business pouring into any child’s life because I was such a mess myself. What could I possibly have to offer? I was still having trouble deciding to pay my gas bill or buy a pair of shoes that I wanted. I should just stay away from this guy and these kids. So I resolved to do just that.

Little did I know, I was already in too deep. My husband had great ways of getting me to hang out with him and the boys, such as pretending he needed help baking cookies. Yall should know he decorates cakes for our nieces and nephews and cooks 95% of our meals. He needed no help.

Slowly but surely, all the walls I had up came down and I was in. I loved these kids and this man and I had a hard time explaining how it happened. It wasn’t the fairytale kind of love either. It was the scary kind. The kind that cares about what type of people they will turn out to be and making choices accordingly. Not giving into what’s easy in the moment and acting on our feelings. Who was this person they had turned me into? I was fine before they came along and I don’t remember having to think so hard. I don’t remember being so burdened and so happy at the same time. I want sure if I liked it, but I sure as hell want willing to lose it.

This is what it is like coming into an “instant family” with zero experience as a mother. You start to have all of these instincts without actually having given birth and yall, it is the most weird and fantastic, but confusing feeling thing I’ve ever felt. I had people telling me I wasn’t their mother (no crap) and that I needed to compete with their mother (nope she’s perfectly fine) and all sorts of other things and eventually I just had to do what was best for my situation. I needed to quiet the outside voices because I had enough new noise going on inside my house!

I had two little boys that liked to run and jump over things and then pretend to shoot at each other. I used to try and hover over them and make sure they wouldn’t get hurt and it always ended in me screaming “I have to return you to your mother in the condition I found you in!”. Do yall have any idea how terrifying it is to have two little lives in your hands that DON’T belong to you and the co-owner don’t particularly like you at the time? That’s stressful! Praise God it’s not that way now.

Life is so different from what I expected it to be when I first met my family. What I have found is that for every area that I was inadequate, God filled in those gaps. He gave me exactly what I needed to be exactly what I was called to be for my family and I am so grateful. If you’re trying to find your way in your blended family, give it time. You’ll get there, but enjoy the journey!

By Barefoot & Childless

Welcome to the Barefoot & Childless Facebook page! Our mission is to use my "childless" status to encourage you all by sharing my raw and transparent experience as a childless stepmom and to support blended families any way I can!

2 replies on “Be Kind Please Rewind”

This post resonates with me… My boyfriend has a vasectomy but I got pregnant (my first) and he’s already got three kids! Not something I signed up for but praying for the strength to make it work. I was previously in a long-term relationship with a man who has two kids so I already know it ain’t easy. But also worth it 😉 .. kudos to you mama!

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